Log in

No account? Create an account
Rebecca's Journal

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Sunday, October 12th, 2003
5:19 pm
Do you know if LJ will delete a journal if you haven't written in it for a while?

(1 comment | comment on this)

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
10:57 pm
I am not the person that I once was when I had this journal.


Go me.

(comment on this)

Saturday, September 1st, 2001
10:04 pm
Hey--if I told you about this account
or if you found me by random or something and would like to be my friend simply by seeing my interests
Email me at NMBarbato@aol.com
and I will list you as a friend and give you access to my journal
[if you don't already have it that is :)]
no more public entries
i don't like it when i get bashed by ethan's groupies
Monday, August 27th, 2001
6:47 pm
I may not be typing for a while.
I don't know
livejournal is being such a bitch
maybe in a week or something
maybe not
and i may drop out of the circle for a bit
i'm not sure
just...call and check on me sometime

(2 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, August 25th, 2001
10:57 am
my mom and dad were at the pinnacle last night....and so was i
thank god i did not ever run into them.....
that would have sucked
i spent most of my time at jules anyway

(comment on this)

Thursday, August 23rd, 2001
1:27 am
ethan still has me deleted from his friends list...
he finalyl began talking to me yesterday...and today we are going to watch a movie...
hannibal...we have been planning to watch it for months now...
and now we were going to
just as friends...
and i went to pick him up and his mom would not even get him
and i went to tap on his window
and he just stared at me
and so i waited outside...
and his mother came and yelled
and i waited for him to come outside...so we could watch the movie and get on with learning to be friends again
and he would not come
and his mother called my parents to come and get me
and i just could not believe what was happening and just kept waiting for him to come outside
and he never came
and my parents there
and dad went to talk to him
and came to me and told me that he had his mom do that for him (he says he really just fell asleep)
and dad said that he told him he didn't want to be my friend any more (also denied by ethan)
i just wanted to get on with it
and he agreed to come and watch the movie
and now he told me he wants me to stop
and he won't tell me what
stop talking to him all together again
stop talking about what has happened
stop trying to be his friend (which was going so well)
i don't know what it is he wants me to stop
and i am still blocked from everything
what made all the progress disappear?
we were going to act like civialized adults...

(comment on this)

Tuesday, August 21st, 2001
11:17 pm
i packed up my stuff and left today...
and my mom hit me in the face....
and i called ethan
and he told me he didn't love me
and that it went away like 2 days or something like that before he left me
and he needs to think about himself and his life right now
i want to tell him....this is fine....think about you for a while...you need to NMBarbato: i'm home
Math Gigalo: how are things
NMBarbato: my parents love me
Math Gigalo: :-D
NMBarbato: "we are the ones who are really here for you"
Math Gigalo: well I could have told you that
NMBarbato: my dad reminded me of something
NMBarbato: 2 years ago today ....you were begging me not to leave you
NMBarbato: interesting huh?
NMBarbato: i thought so....
Math Gigalo: yup
NMBarbato: i will give you the 10 month present when you decide you can see me....that's what i decided
Math Gigalo: wow
Math Gigalo: that is interesting
NMBarbato: wow what?
NMBarbato: yeah....don't fucking rub it in
Math Gigalo: Im not
NMBarbato: i don't need to hear that right now
NMBarbato: he came in my empty room and talked to me
Math Gigalo: ok
NMBarbato: everything is still in my car
NMBarbato: and he apologized
and said that i was too much trouble...and i got angry
NMBarbato: and it all turned out well
Math Gigalo: awesome
Math Gigalo: im so glad
Math Gigalo: you had me really worried
Math Gigalo: I really wanted to come over and talk to your parents but I knew that wouldn't work
NMBarbato: no
NMBarbato: they would probably tell you about what you are missing and that you are an idiot
NMBarbato: and if they did....i would have laughed my ass off for hours
NMBarbato: hehe
NMBarbato: sorry
NMBarbato: i would have
NMBarbato: i think it would be hilarious...
NMBarbato: not bitter hilarious
NMBarbato: i can't explain
NMBarbato: i don't mean to sound mean
Math Gigalo: its ok
NMBarbato: but i am sick of having to be confronted and yelled at by your parents....
mine were nice to you....mom may have treated you like you were little....but she is a third grade teacher....and a bitch....ahh nature....so good to her...hehe
i just wish mine could have been mean to you once
Math Gigalo: ok
NMBarbato: i mean ...you had sex with their daughter and they rolled over and said...okay
NMBarbato: :)
NMBarbato: so what are you up to?
Math Gigalo: just talking to friends
NMBarbato: i came home as soon as i talked to you....and i just walked in and poured some orange juice
NMBarbato: so....am i supposed to be like a darius friend....or just an acquaintance...your best friend....or you still don't know
Math Gigalo: i still don't know
NMBarbato: my mom came in and said...you are welcome here
NMBarbato: i have to tell you....i can not go through much more of this...
i can't put myself through something that is so damaging...
honestly ....right now...i am at the point where i know i will be fucked up in relationships for years....i know i will
how could i ever believe someone could love me forever if it can fade away in an instant...
honestly....i can feel myself harden...and i don't want to....but there is a window...and i want you in my life....but you can not hurt me any more.
you can not keep
NMBarbato: this up....
Math Gigalo: becca
NMBarbato: i know it takes time
Math Gigalo: yes
NMBarbato: time heals is what my dad said
Math Gigalo: you cant just have this huge thing happen and then expect us to be friends the next day
NMBarbato: but i am telling you.....time hardens too
Math Gigalo: I understand
Math Gigalo: look becca, we are too young to have such a big relationship, we aren't ready for this, we just weren't ready
NMBarbato: and who can tell you when the right time is....there is no right time....there is no too young and too old....
there is right and not right...
and if we weren't right to you
and if we are going to be right later....fine
but i can not let you throw me to the side while you think of where you would like to place me in your life....
i am in or out...
there or not...
and i can't sit around and hurt like this
NMBarbato: i am so sick of crying
Math Gigalo: i understand
NMBarbato: i am sick of being the visibly hurt one...the weak one...the one who was discarded....while you still have me wrapped around you so tight that if you said jump i would say how high....just to please you
like some pet...
i am no pet...
i am not a puppy...
Math Gigalo: I don't treat you like that
NMBarbato: no you don't
NMBarbato: i do
NMBarbato: i treat myself like that
NMBarbato: if you said jump...i would say how high because of the fucking pedestal i put you on..
Math Gigalo: becca
Math Gigalo: i don't want to treat you badly at all
Math Gigalo: and when i do i feel really bad about it
NMBarbato: i put you there....and that is why you have so much power over me....it isn't that you dominate me....or force me to do anything....i gave you all of this power....i don't even know if you knew you had it....
NMBarbato: that is why i am so affected......like young goodman brown
NMBarbato: he put his faith in others...and when they weren't what he had thought they were...he didn't know what to believe
NMBarbato: i put you so high up there...that i didn't even see when i was not happy or when you were unhappy....i was so happy to have you that the rest didn't matter
NMBarbato: like the doll you have and you love so much that they break...and you didn't know that what you were doing was bad...until it was too late
NMBarbato: does that make sense?
Math Gigalo: mostly
NMBarbato: maybe now i can take you down....
because now i know you aren't the ethan i originally put on my pedestal...
NMBarbato: you are the ethan that i turned away 2 years ago
NMBarbato: im sorry....
NMBarbato: i don't mean to sound like this
NMBarbato: i am just making myself so sick
NMBarbato: my whole immune system is down
NMBarbato: and allergies and if i don't start caring for myself i am going to end up in the hospital....
and i don't want that
you aren't worth that....
NMBarbato: i don't know why i thought you were...
NMBarbato: no one is worth jeopardizing yourself over
Math Gigalo: look I have to go
Math Gigalo: phil is here to pick me up
Math Gigalo: i do have to go
NMBarbato: you aren't leaving because of what i said
Math Gigalo: no
Math Gigalo: later
Math Gigalo: bye
NMBarbato: bye

current mood: clearer

(1 comment | comment on this)

Monday, August 20th, 2001
8:53 am
i just called him and he said it would have to be 3 or 4 more weeks depending on what the business does and i am crying really really hard now and i don't care if he doesn't want to talk to me i need someone right now

(1 comment | comment on this)

8:48 am
well...i attempted the blocking thing
but i am just not that cold to block him out like that....
i just can't do it...
and i don't want to get off line....because then that is just not fair...
i have things to do online too....and i am staying on until i am done
and they would get done so much faster if i weren't typing in my journal every five seconds...

(comment on this)

8:41 am
i wonder if it hurts him when i am online....
and he knows that i am crying over here and that it is because of him...

hmmm....i never thought of that

but ....it may not even be true....but it could be

i am really posting like crazy right now
i think it is because i have not been up this early all summer practically and there is no one to talk to online....except the person i love that i am not allowed to talk to right now
fucked up right....
and so i am crying by a computer and i have a journal....so of course i am going to type and type and type and type some more

(comment on this)

8:38 am
my first class today is at 11
11 to 11:50
and my second is from 2 to 2:50

and my original plan was to hang out at Ms. Bryanne's house in between that gap...

(1 comment | comment on this)

8:32 am
maybe it is bad that i am posting all of my feelings

maybe that is making me very vulnerable to get hurt

especially because i never want to make my entries private
i want people to know what i am feeling and thinking

but maybe that is hard on ethan and his thinking
maybe it makes him feel guilty ...i don't want that

well i won't lie
i kinda do want that
but only on the surface
deep down....i don't

(comment on this)

8:30 am
i am completely frozen...
i want to IM him
but i am just staring at his name and really just considering blocking him
but then if he decided he was ready to talk....he wouldn't see that i was on

(comment on this)

8:28 am
and he just online....
i want to throw up

of all the people to get on right now

i can't believe i wished for someone to get on
god is fucking with my head

(comment on this)

8:27 am
i wish someone else was awake this early
i want to talk to someone

maybe just sob

i want to call ethan
but it is his first day of school too

(comment on this)

7:52 am
okay...i called his answering thing twice actually

once to say goodnight
and the second time to say good luck for school today

i wish he would have wished me good luck...
i have the final job interveiw with the big boss guy in about 6 minutes
i want him to be there for me
but i am being there for him right now i guess

(comment on this)

12:17 am
i am going to crack...right now
i need to tell him goodnight
that is really harmless...
just goodnight
i will call his cell phone and tell his answering service goodnight
and if he picks up
i will hang up
because then i am still giving him space right
or is this bad
i only bothered him once today
just goodnight
there is nothing wrong with goodnight

(comment on this)

12:12 am - this is where they separate the men from the boys
okay so the men don't cry the way i do

but look
i am doing what i need to do
i am being strong
and if i love ethan as much as i say i do and as much as i feel i do it is time for me to do what i am supposed to do and support him and his decision
to be a "man"

okay...well i have never seen a man so pathetic as what you would see if you would see me right now

i haven't stopped crying since bernie dropped me off
but i am rolling with the punches you know?
i am really taking it like a man so to speak
and being strong
in my own girlie way and all....but still

current mood: confident

(comment on this)

12:05 am
it feels almost rude you know

to see someone online and not say hello and goodbye...
even that much
it just feels rude...like you are at a party and someone you know really well walks in and you see them and they see you...and you don't even blink..nod...wave

i think this is making me more confident that i can wait for him though

because this is so much worse than convincing myself not to call
because ...like i said...he is right there

bernie i know how you felt now..

anyway...i may go and watch a movie

be proud of me
i finally asserted myself.
i finally said what i wanted to to those online girls...
and not in a mean way...in an explanatory way

i asked ethan to please stop them
but all he did was say not to comment about me
which is not nearly enough
they would still think bad things of me and still think it was my fault and see me as some stupid bitch whatever thing...and now if they think that it really is because they are stupid because i presented the facts and they can say whatever they want and they can look like retards too

i really wish he would have taken up for me in some way...or explained
but i did it
i took up for me
i made them stop
i did it

current mood: assertive

(comment on this)

Sunday, August 19th, 2001
11:59 pm - waiting for the notice that the water has subsided
it is really hard to see him online though
because he is right there you know...
and each time he has been on...i have caved and wrote to him
...it is so hard...i can feel my stomach getting queezy
but he will talk to me
and he will im me
and he will call me
when he is ready

current mood: ready to throw up

(comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page